Fear

I always wanted to work in the film industry. There is something extremely intriguing about being able to tell a story visually. I think my love for it comes from watching Thai soap operas with my mom, back in the day. I remember thinking to myself, “what the hell am I watching? This is shit! All they do is scream throughout the whole series! I could do better than that…” But yet I haven’t. I went to film school and took like ten million years before I was done. And I STILL haven’t done anything with it. I feel like I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. Like, yes, I love working on set and behind the camera and all that, but if you were to come to me and say, “yo, can you direct this?”, the first answer to come to mind would be “no”. Without even thinking about it.

I feel like I don’t have enough experience to do it. And I’m afraid to just do it. I’m afraid to fail. I’m afraid that I will produce shit and people would think I’m a total joke. I’m afraid to take risks. And I know this is something I really need to overcome in order to follow my dream. But my mind is so full of what-ifs. And now I’m a full-time mother and I can’t even begin to think of how I want to start a project. I can’t even think of an interesting story to try to write. My life is full of surprises and stories and yet I can’t begin to write. And that is one of the main reasons why I created this blog. I need to write. Just anything. I need to take control and face this fear. I need to begin somewhere. I also need to tell my story, even if it’s not in chronological order. There are things that need to be written and need to be documented before I’m too old to forget. There are also things that I need to get out there so I can feel like I can let go. But these will have to be written another day. One step at a time. Baby steps. I’m getting there.

 

A little about me…

I’ve come a long way. A very long way. A decade ago I was positive I didn’t want any children. My mother was a single mother of two. She had four children altogether, but her first daughter was back in Thailand and her second daughter left home at a very young age. So it was my little brother and I. I guess my mom was hurt and burned way too many times, so she made sure to tell me every chance she got, not to get married or have any children. ‘You don’t need to get married or have children. Being alone is the best deal. You won’t have to worry about anyone other than yourself. You won’t have any hardships the way I did’, she would say. Well, thanks, mom. I’m sorry I was such a burden to you… But I guess I get what she was trying to warn me about. She was trying to look out for me – didn’t want me to be stressed and work hard the way she did. I totally get it. It’s not that she didn’t want me to be happy, it was actually the complete opposite. She wanted me to live my life free and for myself. And for years I lived by that. I wasn’t going to get married. I wasn’t going to have any children. If I wanted to play with kids I could play with my friends kids and when I was done I could give them back. Easy.

Well not so much. I met my soulmate. We got married. We have beautiful identical twin girls who are now 2 years and 7 months old and a 6 month old boy. I’ve done a complete 180 and I am so glad I did…